another dream
last night, i had a very telling dream. i was starting a relationship with someone when, wouldn't you know it, but my old boyfriend, my first (and only, at this point) true love, popped back into my life. i think it turned out he was a murderer, but i didn't care. i was so happy to see him again that i ditched my new flame and got back together with the ex. later, i found myself in a garden and a big, long, thin, black snake found its way out of the bushes and bit me on the leg and then tried to attack me. i just looked up "snake" in a dream dictionary online and this is what it said:

To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced.

this dream was definitely in response to my post last night about not being in a relationship. and it seems that i'm still having problems letting go of the past. it's so frustrating because i don't know how else to be. the advice i would give to someone in this situation, is exactly what i feel incapable of doing. (sigh)

with the exception of virginia and helena...
nobody updates anymore! wtf? did my friends find a new way to kill their spare time? what is up with that, people?? seriously.

and, 14 days til v-day. i seriously f-ed up again this year. no bf, means no real valentine. no valentine, at all. how terribly terribly sad. i don't know if i can go on another year with the realization that i am once again single...forever single...forever alone. oh god, the pain. the pain.

ciao - j.

gosh!
today i had an intense interview with a higher up. i didn't realize i was going in for another interview, which worked out great because i wasn't nervous and i was totally myself. so my advice? when you have a job interview, trick yourself into thinking that you're just there to meet your new employer. and when they start asking the tough questions, just tell yourself that there are hidden cameras and your new boss is just keeping up appearances (don't worry, the cameras aren't equipped with microphones, so it doesn't matter what you say). i don't know why no one has thought of this trick before! i should teach a seminar!!

-true story-
after work, i was so excited to find my new fancy orange gloves in my car, that i put them on right away and admired how luscious and supple they were. "i'll be the cat's meow the next time i hit the cold winter streets," i thought to myself. i was so excited about them that i locked my keys in the car. the keys to the house, as well. so, i did what any girl would do in this situation. i broke into the house, via the back porch kitchen window. i've heard of helena and virginia doing the same thing. even good old justin broke in once to leave some baseball tickets on the refrigerator. that sure was nice of him, wasn't it? i guess i got in around 5 or so. i didn't call AAA for another 4 hours because i figured, "they're not going to go anywhere." but then i panicked at the idea that someone would break into my car and steal it and all of my precious keys and tiny store discount cards. i had to direct the AAA dude to my street from greenmount. you would think AAA would have like onstar or something, right?

and finally, last night i woke up from a dream in which i looked at the night landscape and saw moons upon moons. many moons. most of them full moons of different sizes. a dark blue sky with clouds. i woke up from this bizarro dream and then went back to sleep...to have yet another dream about multiple moons. i think this dream means that many new beginnings await me. pretty cool.

-j.

who isn't curious about their death?
i took that death test at http://www.okcupid.com/death. i was, you know, curious. i learned this much...

i will die july 2051 at age 72 of cancer. or else, 24% by car accident, 13% overdose, 5% drowing of the lungs (comeon, now), or 2% by wounds, or some bullcrap. i probably will die of cancer. i think there will come a time when everyone will die of cancer. i definitely up my chances by not using sunblock, my love for sweet n'low, and my old habit of smoking. plus i have family members who died of cancer.

what a morbid test.

i feel icky right now. i just contemplated throwing up in russell's boot. why would i think such a thought? that's just downright sick. better to throw up on the floor than in someone's boot.

day 6
things starting to look up. health is returning. nothing like a good bout of tonsilitis and bronchitis to keep you on your toes.

it's funny the way things work out somehow. in the end, i will be getting that job. and will go whichever way this new road takes me. who knows where i will be a year from now. who knew i would be where i am at now, a year ago. life just is what it is sometimes. you make the best of it and you try and steer yourself towards those things that you like and want to associate with, and away from those things that you don't. this is nothing new here. and it's definitely not rocket science.

well, perhaps once i get back to living a life instead of sweating it away in the same old pj's, i'll have something a bit more interesting to talk about. until then... - j.

day 5
today's the day to make a change.... sort of.

btw, my voice has returned, which is good. but, i am in a situation... i need to get cat litter very badly but still feel super weak. by the end of the day, this predicament will have to be resolved, or else the cat will start peeing everywhere.

day 4
i had weird dreams today. so weird, in fact, that i repeated the dream as soon as it was done so that i might remember it. in the repeat dream, i carried around a piece of paper or scraps of paper towel to write things down because things were so fantastical. but because i was aware of what was happening, in a sense, because i had dreamt things before and had become more of an active participant in this re-dream, if you will, things weren't the same. but, what dif does it make? i hardly remember it.

i feel like i am on drugs right now because i am so tired and drowsy and weak. yes, i am still sick. and i feel worse than i did yesterday. go figure. i went to the doctor, tho, and got some meds, but i'd much rather just blackout for a week or two than deal with this wheezing, hacking cough, and sore throat. at least the fevers chilled out.

i am sick today
at my work, you must call out if you are sick and possibly contagious. seeing that i had a hacking cough and fever, i had to call out to save the shop. we work in a small space so it's really easy to infect one another. but, this would have been my last day. officially. i may pick up some hours next week anyway.

i've been meaning to post this, but i really enjoyed the twixter article in this week's time magazine. i think when you click that link you will get just a snippet of the article, which is a shame because the meat of the article is really in the middle and the end. basically, the phenomenon of 20-somethings going to school, graduating, getting sucky jobs, maybe even staying at home or mooching off of parents has become more and more widespread and the norm. it seems to be more difficult nowadays for young adults to transition into adults. they stay young through their friends and partying, drinking, taking jobs and then switching jobs, and desiring to find what their purpose in life is by doing all of these things. well, not so much the partying, but everything else. it seems we are too afraid to commit, whether it is to a relationship, a career, a major, or anything else really. and sociologists and psychologists are saying that this is what living a privelaged kind of life gives you, the freedom to play for the next 10 years and then get serious. or perhaps it's the new ideology of finding your bliss. or maybe we are lazy. in any case, it is something that i can honestly say that i am living. and i see my friends doing the same thing. i am jealous of those who seem to have it all figured out and just go right ahead and do it. i still can't believe i am 25 sometimes when i feel like i am 20. and when i think about how it was a few decades ago and how at 25 you typically had your marriage and house and career, i just can't believe how things have changed. i don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing. it's our developmental evolution. especially because the experts predict that this is the way we will be from now on. it's just an interesting shift. perhaps brought on by a longer life expectancy? or parental encouragement to find our passion in life, tap into our inate abilities and just do those things that make us happy?

i dunno. all i know is the tea is up and i have some soup to make.

weird day at work
the new guy was in. he was late again today. he wasn't able to come yesterday because he was in traffic court. he said he will be fighting the charges because they want to send him to jail for 2 to 4 years. i learned this within the first 15 minutes of him getting there. this is the guy who is supposed to replace me.

he was having a real hard time. he was cursing a lot and asking me for a lot of help but not paying attention or listening to me when i tried to show him the best way to do something. i was very careful when i told him these things and limited myself to when it was only necessary. but, he was making it very hard on himself so i wanted to help him out, you know?

it was a hard few hours for him. and then he cut himself on the hand. pretty bad, i imagine from all the blood i saw. but, he wouldn't let anyone see the cut. only the blood. he would say, "it's just gushing everywhere." and it was. it made me sick. we kept telling him to wet a towel and apply pressure to the wound and lift his hand above his head. and he would do that while we watched him. but when he thought we weren't looking, i saw him hold his hand above the toilet and squeeze blood out of his cut, hold his hand up to let it drip all over himself and smear it into his skin. he threw away all of his bloody paper towels into the toilet. when i told him that we needed to get them out because they will clog up the toilet, he decided to try and flush the toilet anyway. it clogged, of course. i had to go in and unclog it. he hung around for another hour, not doing anything really. he went outside, talked on the phone, smoked a cigarette, sat down. when his ride came, he clocked out.

i wonder how they are going to tell him that he's fired.

nervous
although the words, "you're hired" were uttered from the director 2 weeks ago, i have no idea what is going on and when i start. i followed up on it last week and was told that they were anxious for me to start but haven't been able to get the details together and would be in touch. and that is it. i am scared. my last day at the frame shop is tomorrow. what if it doesn't work out? am i being paranoid?

sweetest dear
the other day, i got a letter sent from my mom. but as it turns out, it wasn't a letter, but newspaper clippings from the philadelphia inquirer. she sent me two articles - one on the new midtown continental restuarant/martini bar and one on colorstrology. colorstrology was created by michele berhardt - a "respected healer, astrologer, and metaphysician." she created this idea of colorstrogy, in which everyone has a color of their own, combining the ideas of astrology and numerology with a heavy hand of chromatherapy, or color therapy. basically with colorstrology, you look up your birthday and you will find a color of your very own, along with a description of your personality traits. your month also has a color. this color being your very own, vibrating the same energy as you, it is suggested to add this color somehow into your wardrobe or homelife, be it through clothes or accessories. and depending when you need it most. most interesting, is wearing the color of someone you are trying to woo. but, then there are the basic principles of color therapy thrown in, like using red to energize or green when you are in the need for cash.

my color is henna, a sort of wine color which i often wear anyway. infact, i used to buy a lot of shirts in this color and i have tried in the past few years to get away from it and try something new. my opinion? colorstrology is fun. i am strong believer in color therapy but am not quite convinced that ms. berhardt has unlocked anything especially new or mindblowing and i am slightly apprehensive about the way she matched birthday and birthmonth with a color. but, i am a believer in chromotherapy and the power of color, as well as astrology, so it's nice that someone has put it all together in an easy way for the public to understand.

umm, time for tea. my friend tami from home will be visiting over the next few days. things will be interesting, i am sure. -j.

recapping
oh, i sounded awful about the replacement, didn't i? i should have also said that he was a pretty diligent worker and that he picked up everything very quickly, which is good. i was hard on him. he'll be fine. it was just an experience. for the both of us. last thing...at one point, there was something stuck in a frame and he just took out this crazy knife that he was carrying around on him. it looked like one of those knives that you would get in the mall at one a tobacco store or a hunting store. that was interesting, for sure.

best be going....-j.

beyond your wildest dreams
...uh...so today i trained my replacement. he's kind of the opposite of me. sort of brutish, but you can't be much of a thug with a baby face. he asked me questions like, "so what are the things that they'll yell at you about?" i was like, "umm, if you don't work? or, if you don't pay attention and listen and take instruction?" i didn't really know how to answer that question. and he took 3 smoke breaks, which in any other work place is cool, i guess, but we just don't take breaks like that. and they're really anal about punching in and out, so he had to punch out for all of them, which was really insane and funny at the same time. he cursed a lot under his breath. and made fun of me because my instructions on how to do things included sound effects. i'm not going to elaborate that much about that part, but as it turns out, i have this weird tendency to make sound effects when i am trying to explain something. i never noticed that i did this, really. but, i guess it is true because i do it and that's that.

while at work, i was thinking about the demise of 99.1hfs, "the alternative station." i don't actually listen to hfs because when i turn the dial to it, they are always playing something that makes me feel really aggressive and angry. and not just because the music is often aggressive and angry, but because it reminds me of the downfall of modern rock and the rubbish that record companies think generation y wants. but, i sympathise with the junior high and high schoolers that listen to hfs, and i guess the older people as well, but i am not too concerned about them because they have more resources, really. but, to those kids, the end of hfs is the end of hfs-festivals, which really means nothing because those festivals are the same in every major city...that is, the lineup is the same, it's the sponsorer that is different. anyway, moving on. this reminds me of the demise of my own beloved station, 103.9wdre in philadelphia. now, in actuality, the real dre died long before it switched it's format to "urban contemporary." the dre that i grew up with in middle school was much more like a college radio station in that the dj's played whatever the hell they wanted and there wasn't a heavy rotation of the same 15 songs. this is where i heard the the, siouxie sioux, flaming lips, and the pixies for the first time. it was as if the heavens opened wide and poured it's gloomy, relatable, tragic, weird, and hip music on me and i soaked it up as much as i could. i would tape broadcasts and make mix tapes. i didn't have a lot of money, but what i had i would spend on tapes and cds to feed my new hobby. but within a few years of my discovery of this beloved radio station, they were bought out and the format became "modern rock" but with a more commercial edge to it. it was still kind of awesome, but generic and little to no bite. and then one day, it was gone. and it was sad. so, my heart goes out to those out there who think that this radio station was the most awesome thing ever. because, thank god for you, you at least have the internet and ipods.

i didn't even mention the heartbreak of losing eagle 106 in philly. i don't even remember what they played exactly, but i liked that station. mostly because they had the most killer haunted house every year at the byberry hospital (the u.s.'s first psychiatric hospital, i shit you not, it was a couple miles from my house). and there were rides! and it gave me an excuse to meet up with boys from my school. ohhh....funny how things haven't changed that much. i still love rides. and boys. and haunted houses, of course.
ciao - j.

haha...suckers!!
this is what i got when i tried to view a livejournal, "Our data center (Internap) lost all its power, including redundant backup power, for some unknown reason. (unknown to me, at least) We're currently dealing with bringing our 100+ servers back online. Not fun. We're not happy about this. Sorry... :-/ More details later."

sucks for you.

deadjounal, on the other hand, is working just fine....

'sup y'all?
sorry i haven't posted lately. nothing too new on the homefront here. still working at the frame shop and it looks like my last day will be the 21st. which is super sweet because i will have saturday and sunday off, which i haven't had off since i started this job. i'd love to go out that weekend and kick my heels up somewhere. you interested?

been watching some tv lately. virginia and russell have got me hooked on the cool new reality shows. like the one about the fashion designers with that klum model and jess mcd introduced me to the surreal life. oh poor mini me. you must lay off the alcohol, y'hear?

other than that, i've been shopping a lot for a new wardrobe. thankfully, there are some mega-sales out there, so i haven't spent much at all. and when i haven't been shopping, working, or cleaning, i have just been a sleepy baby. which is what i am right now. a sleepy lil baby. gonna make a nice warm cup of something and read my agatha christie and fall right to sleep. right to sleep. ahh... right to sleeeeeeep.
- j.

yes
i got the job! i didn't want to post about it until i was absolutely sure. it's not 100% in the bag, but it's pretty much done and the rest is just a question of formality. this job is what i have been wanting for a very long time. i can't imagine anything better in the entire world. i will be working for a non-profit that supports contemporary visual arts. they provide affordable arts education, affordable studio space to artists, do community outreach programs, after-school arts programs, and have a very substantial gallery space. i will have office duties as well as running the arts education program. i am so deliriously happy about this job that sometimes i feel like crying. i think i am going to be very busy with it, but also, i think i will be happier for it. i can't wait to start. btw, our internet is down. i am blogging from here. it's a pretty neat place. and i think i am going to buy a book called, "a glimpse of nothingness." sounds delightful, doesn't it?

interview
today i had a job interview. strange thing about it is that i sent my resume in like 2-3 months ago. it went well, i think. better than expected. however, i was prepared for actual questions, such as, "what are some of your strongest attributes? what are your weaknesses? what can you bring to this job that differentiates you from the rest?" i didn't even get the, "so...tell me about yourself" line. but, i have another interview coming up, so perhaps i will get those then.

it would be terribly exciting and wonderful to get this position. you don't know this because that post was deleted somehow, but one of my new year's resolutions was to find a new job. and to challenge myself. and, so there it is.

i added some new links today because these are kind and awesome people and they deserve links. i think i will go now and play just one game of scrabble online and then run some errands.
- j.

strange thing
my post from yesterday disappeared! how odd! last night, a funny thing happened. i was watching a band at the talking head (their name is eluding me right now) and the lead singer was writhing and flailing around, all the while his pants were falling down. it was painfully obvious to me, at least. in between one of their songs, i said to the dude at my right, "you know, i think this guy needs to invest in a belt. have you noticed the way his pants look like they're going to fall down??" then the singer announced..."thanks, guy. this next song is called, 'i wish i had a belt.'" badabum. end of story.

ah well. i'm off today. i woke up at 11am which never happens anymore for me. and made pasta even though i wasn't that hungry, and watched painfully bad television even though i have a list of things that i want to get done today. still in my pjs, it seemed like a good idea to make a cup of tea and waste even more time on the computer. who knows? i may even go back to sleep. this is what days off are for, right? to recoop, right?

(still wondering where yesterday's post went to.)

ok, time to play some online scrabble. ciao - j.

wasting away on new year's day
i'll spare you the details, but if you are my friend you know that i have a weak stomach and get ill easily. but now i am beginning to feel like myself again. i woke up at 9. bless her big beautiful heart, jessica brought both coke and ginger ale for me. i made myself some soup but that was an hour ago and now i am hungry. contemplating whether i should call tim and see if he will play scrabble with me.

before i get to anything else, i am going to make a few resolutions. in no particular order.
lose weight (of course)
challenge myself (esp. photog projects which will lead to a show)
take gre classes
find better job
stop being so passive-aggressive
start finding peace

ok, that sounds good for now. not really getting in touch with anything deep here, but it's all about peeling away the layers and getting to the true inner workings and such or whatever. ha.

-j.

happy new year!!
okay, so look. i don't even understand how i am able to blog at this moment, but i am pretty y'know, drunk or whatever and this is just a documentation of nye 2005. i spent it with people i love and met wonderful girls in line for the ladies' restroom. i met a girl from glasgow, which was nice because that is where helena is at, and tina, and the girl who smiled warmly at me through the mirror, as i touched up my makeup.

at one point, i snuck away and danced by myself in the big room where they were playing house music. that is my happiest moment. i don't know if i could ever become a bonafide househead, but dancing away like that is the best workout for me, on a million different levels.

all sounds great, but at midnight, a boy shied away and ducked out of a kiss by moi. a pity for him, really. all in all, he seemed pretty lame so no big loss. and i got a ride home so no money spent on cab fare which was totally sweet.

p.s. tonight i wore fake eyelashes which was the most awesome thing ever for me. i have always wanted to do this and i don't think anyone noticed, but i loved it all the same and i will do it any night of the week. i would have talked myself out of it, but after watching audrey hepburn in "breakfast at tiffany's" i was way determined to do this for myself. no regrets.

okay, that is all. happy new year everyone. thank god i have off tomorrow.

much love.
- j.